craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
