Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
