this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
