textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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