today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
