I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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