you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
