my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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