I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
