That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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