Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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