R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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