More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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