I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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