I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
