I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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