I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
