u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
