Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
i think my cat just said my name.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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