So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Woke up backwards on a recliner
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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