Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
