I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
