I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
