Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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