So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
