hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
