Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
