my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
