I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The air was thick with penises
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
