Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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