the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
it glows. i had to have it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
