Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
