if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I puked a lego.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
