Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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