i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
