I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
