Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
