i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
