I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
