How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
