apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
