So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
