You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
