Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
