Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
