what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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