WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
