I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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