I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
