I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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