i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
