Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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