I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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