I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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