The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
