dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
