I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
